Moonlight Rebooted

Tyrant 2.0 turned one recently, how time flies.

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The black Audi TT is taunting me.

My precioussssssssss………

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Will be at an outstation wedding this weekend with high school friends. Multiple bottles of single malt whisky; check.
Clean boxers; check.
Good to go.

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Watching:
- Flying Swords at Dragon Gate
- Nikita Season 2
- Top Gear Season 18
- Heroes Season 3

Battleship was pretty entertaining. Leave your brains at the door, eat popcorn.

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Moonlight..she is back, have missed her terribly.

Hiding My Heart Away - Adele

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
who blew me away
who blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
you'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station
And put a kiss on top of your head
I watched you wave
I watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And though I wish that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
Is calling me home
Is calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I am back...I think....

So what’s been going on? Hmmm…where do I start…oh, righto.

Please see bar on the left, and welcome Bambi into the family. This little tyrant has been giving me sleepless nights for the past 11 months, and coupled with an extremely jealous Bumblebee who is still just a little baby, you can imagine the amount of physical and mental pain that I am going through right now. Wait a minute, unless you have 2 young kids of your own…err, no, you can’t imagine it. Seriously, you can’t. Take your hardest assignment/transaction/deal to-date, multiply that by ten times (to represent mental pain). With that thought in your head, take two 12kg backpacks (to represent weight of 2 kids), lug it around a shopping mall (chosen terrain due to amount of time spent there) and half way through, shove a large green banana up your arse (to represent the Queen giving you shit). This is fun, no?

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Bankerland is no longer the same. Some bits for the better, some bits for the worst.

One thing is for sure though, the number of freeloaders have increased! Like parasites wei. Fumakilla, datangggggggg……

@#!$@#%$#%$@#%$%$

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Adele is freaking awesome.

This song reminds me of the ones I have missed…..

One and Only

You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go, you're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word: I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind, you hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me whichever road I choose, you'll go?

I don't know why I'm scared, 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling, every word: I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

Running Away

I used to run a fair bit, until my knees and lack of discipline gave way.I ran (attempted) recently and almost killed myself at the park, swear to God the monkeys were looking at me funny as I was trying to catch my breath after a measly 15 minute jog, huffing and puffing like a dog in heat. Needless to say the knees were hurting a fair bit, crap, I felt really old then. As I sat on the ground, soaking up the morning air, kneading my knees absent mindedly, I watched my surroundings and I still could recognise some of the regulars. Some young, some middle aged, some not so young; all looking fit and largely unaffected (like a still picture) despite my prolonged absence. The regular exercise must be doing them some good. Some are still jogging furiously as ever, looking intent in trying to finish up their weekly quota of miles. I admire their perseverance grudgingly, wondering if health was the only reason that drove them. As cliche as it sounds, running is not merely physical but very much mental as well. And perhaps this is the explanation for the contrast between my tubby physic and the regulars here with their toned and taut physic. Other than pure will power, they seem to have purpose, a destinaton, a goal that they intent to meet. They are running with the future in mind, and what lies ahead. I, on the other hand, am running from the past, not caring what lies ahead for fear of meeting demons that have appeared in the past.

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Its official, my networth is a million as of this month thanks to a couple of property investments. Ask me 10 years back and I would have been jumping with joy and ticking off one more milestone in the to-do list. But its inherently meaningless to me now and a million nowadays doesn't get you very far anyway.

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Daphne Iking (Dahlia now) in FHM...I was so smitten by her years back.

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Sorry for not writing for so long, I have been travelling a fair bit and trying to get the regional deals going. I hope everyone is fine and dandy.

And you wonder why I am like this....

Got off the flight at 7.30 p.m, was at the ultra exclusive hotel by 9 p.m after battling traffic in this archipelago. Quick shower, quick bite and was burning some cash on the roulette and baccarat table in no time. Got into bed by 1a.m, set the alarm for 7a.m to prepare for a 9.30 am meeting. Fast forward, 9.30 a.m meeting done, quick bite with the local boss, hit the road quickly thereafter, heading towards final meeting on the other side of the city. Punched in quick emails on the BB feeling slightly dizzy from drive. A quick touch base session with the CFO, threw some ideas, he liked it, promises for a formal proposal made. Just in time for the return flight though marginally worried that local traffic might be a pain. Punched more emails on the way to the airport. Check-in and everything was a blur after that. Touch down, local time, slightly over 12 midnight. Got into bed after 1, alarm set at 6 a.m. Fun right?

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Sick of:

- Office politics and staff not pulling their weight
- Gossip mongers who can’t get their facts right
- Justin Bieber (sorry Bieber fans, but jelak la seeing him
everywhere. And sorry kay, they did choose the right artist for the
award he didn’t win.)
- Feeling like I am 50
- Having to swallow pills every morning
- Not being able to pull away from the white scirroco on some
mornings (Dammit, I so want one now, give me mine in black please)

I wish for:

- The black scirroco
- Loads of sleep
- My work BB to die and never get resurrected
- My peers to pull their weight
- Better staff
- Better bosses (Fantasy hor)
- Abs with definition (A bigger fantasy hor)

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Overheard in Banker Wanker’s universe:

Banker Wanker: “So, anyway, I truly believe you would know for certain who your soulmate is, eventhough more often than not, its ironically always at the wrong time and place. And sometimes, you would meet that special someone who will open that hidden place in your heart that you never knew existed, and show you what it means to be totally in love with someone genuinely, to totally connect..”

Soulmate: “Wow…have you met that special someone?”

Banker Wanker: “Yeah….but wrong time and place. You may meet that someone,but you can’t do anything about it….obviously if I had the chance to turn back the clock, I would have done some things differently. Sigh….would you have done it differently if you were given the chance to turn back the clock? Who would you have chosen from your ex-s or would you still choose to stay with Mr X? Someone you really connected with...."

Soulmate: *pauses for a moment* “If it were possible….I would have chosed you”

The irony of it all huh….*rams rusty fork into chest*

Sapu Semua

Omigosh,I am getting closer to uncle-hood,I have a confession to make. Am staying in a swanky hotel for the past week and all I can think of after a full day of mumbo jumbo and networking is how many Loccitane shower gel and soap bars I am going to accumulate before I check out so that I can show the Queen and Bumblebee my impressive stash of premium soap. 5 tubes of shower gel and 5 pieces of soap bars...champion...hmmm...should I start a body lotion collection too?.....hmmmm...oooo *distracted* shoe cream....

My excuse; I am compelled to act beyond my norm as it is the Queen's request to bring back a stash. The Penang-ite in her is quite apparent when it comes to hotel shower gel, and I blame it on the Queen’s mum, who I understand is also an afficionado of hotel room consumables. While I have this fear of having to open my bag at immigration come one fine day, with dozens of mini bottles and soap bars tumbling out, being stared at by a group of stewardess standing behind me; I have turned this hoarding into a mini challenge. My best haul for a 4 day stay was 7 shower gels, 5 shampoo gels and 8 large soap bars. Its embarassing la….

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Overheard in Bankerland

Shuttlecock: “Tell me, how do you do it, how do you network and market for transactions? You are doing well with some deals done regionally and I want to learn from you”
Banker Wanker: *almost chocked on sugary donut* “Err, I just do a lot of travelling….”
Shuttlecock: “We should form an alliance since I am in my new position now and my scope is complementary to your coverage and scope”
Banker Wanker: “But we may have to sleep together, err, I mean share the same room since Capon is quite particular about cost.”
Shuttlecock: *Gives coy 40 year old virgin maid smile*
Banker Wanker: *omfg…..stuffs remaining donut into big mouth as best as I could, hoping it doesn’t look suggestive in any manner, scampers out like a dingo in the water*

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Tong tong tong chiang…CNY around the corner. I need to shop for my yearly lucky boxers. Bagi ketat punya so that all the $$$ won’t fall out.

Thank you for the music...

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” – Brooks Atkinson

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There are times when I would be floored by an insatiable need to hear music, and that’s when I will hit the stores (yes, old fashion me, but owning CDs is sort of a childhood promise I made to myself) to see if I can find any interesting releases. I am game for any genre and tend to go on gut-feel, some prior sampling and a good dose of open-mindedness; and more often than not, I would uncover some gems along the way. I was hankering for some new music last week, and decided to pop into a chain with Bumblebee. Playing overhead was a song with a pretty catchy beat and it was then I caught Bumblebee moving both his hands in the air to the beat of the song, like some feng-tou dance, baby style. It was brilliant. The boy has some music in him afterall (the moves will come later, once I am done teaching him how to dance the imaginary-knife-cutting-the-air dance ). And like my late dad who used to imbue me with music i.e classical guitar classes, music books and concerts, I hope my love for music would rub of on Bumblebee as well. I have been thinking a lot about how my late dad has influenced me as a kid (the good bits), despite the short period of time spent together and tragic circumstances on the family and career front. And as flawed as I am, I do hope that Bumblebee will have some good bits to see him through life too....dance on Bumblebee…

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Skyline
Ok ok only, tried to be different but was lukewarm at best. Awesome scene involving US Airforce (but of course, it can only be the great You-Ass-Aye) jets dogfighting with alient crafts.

Narnia
Blibical references aplenty, good special effects…but a tad too sterilized for my liking.

Tron
3D effects, great. Storyline, like yesterday’s tea. Chick from House, in Tron glowy suit, sizzling.

Harry Potter, 1st part of last installment
Read the book, decent adaptation. Still think its too dark for kids.

Omigosh, Captain America, Thor and Green Lantern this year. Can’t wait to watch them alone

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Changes in Bankerland

- New bosses everywhere, with Capon being the only constant
- Capon acting like a retired general….(ohh, wait a minute, that hasn’t changed from the past..ooppps)
- Small Dick has left the building for good…I feel sad for him that it didn’t work out here, but good riddance to someone who consciously decided that he would be a pain in the arse prior to his departure.
- New colleagues, among others, Selfish-Twig, Eager Beaver and Bree

I expect to see a lot more changes this year in Bankerland, and while some may not be desirable, it is still going to be exciting to see how the business will grow. Game face on, let’s go.

Back To December

1….big baby in the form of Bumblebee who turned one recently.
2….times this year that I heard the words “I love you” expressed to me.
3….properties thus far, to flog off two by next year.
4….deals closed this year, I kickass.
5….fingers on right hand were very active this year…sex, what’s that again?

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So there I was, nursing a sprained back and a double shot latte at hand, sitting down on one of the shopping mall benches (rare find during holiday season) watching Bumblebee terrorize the kids who were crowding around a giant Christmas tree. He looked like he had his double shot latte already, hardly wincing after repeated falls (still losing his balance when he gets too excited) and hitting his head on what must be a giant reindeer from his tiny perspective. I looked quizzingly at my 2nd cup of caffeine which was doing jackshit to my system, wondering like an old man if the barrista has decided to play coffee-grinch by substituting my drink with decaf. Oh boy, old, jaded and paranoid. I promised myself I won’t get into a melancholic mood this year end and start reflecting about what this year was about, it has never been easy for me, ever..and every year since turning 30 has decidedly been challenging as I grapple with a host of personal conflicts, failed relationships and the ever present “Its complicated” situations. Maybe it’s the way I like it….maybe for the lack of anything more engaging and purposeful, I have come to rely on these to remind myself that I am a being with feelings too, and because I feel, therefore I am alive….

Bumblebee has decided to hijack a red bauble from the tree and is heading towards the escalator in what must be a naïve hope to make a quick getaway..champion. I tore after him and felt a shot of pain from my back, hot latte scalding my hands….caught him, just…carried him with one hand while juggling my latte and felt another shot of pain. At this point, I have a smile etched on my face from Bumblebee’s antics and the pain…I am alive…

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I started this blog approximately one year back. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone, thanks for reading and checking-in, it has played a part in keeping me sane :)

Taylor Swift - Back To December

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to december all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to december, turn around and make it all right and
I go back to december all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side,
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to december all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to december, turn around and change my own mind and
I go back to december all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

Half of my heart

Its November already, bejesus, it has been such a hectic year. November 11 marks a year since Sidekick left Bankerland for greener pastures. Although from her occasional ranting, it might have been some green and a lot of brown and blue.:) Hang in there Sidekick, April is just around the corner…*hot hatch, hot hatch, hot hatch*

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I often get fairly consistent and oh-so-predictable remarks or comments when I tell people what I do for a living. A typical conversation would go something like this:

Homo Sapien: “So, what do you do for a living Banker Wanker?”
Banker Wanker: “I am in the banking line”
Home Sapien: “Oh, what sort of banking are you in?”
Banker Wanker: *here we go again* “I am in the investment banking line”
Homo Sapien: [cue in Top 5 most common remarks/comments]

No.5 : “Ohh, are you with CIMB ah?” *Banker Wanker’s convoluted mind can’t decipher if that is an insult or compliment…eyes Homo Sapien suspiciously, thumb drive with pointy end ready to gorge Homo Sapien’s eyes out*

No.4 : “Ohh, what sort of investment do you invest in?” *Banker Wanker’s eyes glazes over, fantasizing about making a quick getaway by pretending to choke on the dainty hors d’oeuvre*

No.3 : “Ohh, eh, can I send my CV to you ah?” *Banker Wanker gives polite sure-thang-bro/sis nod*

No.2 : “Ohh, the ones that caused the sub-prime crisis laaaa…” *Homo Sapien laughs after comment, then stops laughing upon noticing that Banker Wanker is not politely laughing along*

No.1 : “Ahhh, you guys are the ones with high bonuses and nice cars laaaa…” *Home Sapien not so discreetly eyeing what watch Banker Wanker is wearing, then realizes its a Guess watch…Homo Sapien’s confused look, priceless*

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Mista John Mayer, you did it again, this is brilliant.

Half of my heart

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand, all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart has a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart has a right mind to tell you that
I can't keep loving you(can't keep loving you)
Oh with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
Made a plan stay the man who could only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, till the day you came
Showing my another way, and all that my love can bring

Oh half of my hearts got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart has a right mind to tell you that
I can't keep loving you(can't keep loving you)
Oh with half of my heart, with half of my heart

Your faith is strong, but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Then half of my heart

But I can't stop loving you(I can't stop loving you)
I can't stop loving you(I can't stop loving you)
I can't stop loving you, with half of my heart

Oh half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart has a real good imagination
Half of my hearts got you

Half of my hearts got a right mind to tell you that
Half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart in a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring

But half of my heart is the part of a man
Whose never truly loved anything

Malaysia got talent....meh?

Mantra of the week:

*I will not buy the hot hatch, I will not buy the hot hatch, I will not buy the hot hatch*

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I have been house shopping again and house prices in the Klang Valley have really skyrocketed. And really, it is not just centered in the hotspots like Bangsar, Damansara and Hartamas where fundamentals and asset quality are largely intact, but in far flung places where you would never have considered in the past. Having said that, I am taking a contrarian stance to what the naysayers are saying, which is that a bubble is forming in the real estate market. After a 2 year lull since the crises, hoarders are now beginning to splash some cash and property asset seems to be benefitting from it. Look at the profiles of buyers and you would realize there is some serious liquidity sloshing around. And for a lot of these buyers, they are likely to have enough safety net to withstand a fall in valuation should any bubble burst. My mantra for now; if you are looking for a house to stay, and you have found a property that you like…get it quick, the market is just going to get hotter and good property at good locations these days are a dime in a dozen.

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The GOM is setting up a body to attract talent back onshore to reverse the brain drain problem that has plague the country for the longest time. WT-blooming-F.

Kudos for recognizing (albeit a tad too slow) that a good talent base is the foundations for a thriving, dynamic and high value chain economy. *clap clap*. But please, tolong la, do you really think setting up a taskforce is good enough? Talent will come back if; there is a story to our economy (Legoland and middle eastern investors don’t count), there is a level playing field regardless of background (ohhh, dirty word…meritocracy), the education system is not in its current shambolic state (oh for goodness sake, stop flipflopping on policies, every flipflop affects one future generation). These are only the tip of the iceberg, get real dear YBs.

Lastly, to finish off my rant, that smart legal graduate who recently got a slew of awards and distinctions from Cambridge and would be working in Singapore’s Legal Service…he is a product of Singapore’s education system. He is Malaysian by birth…but hell, he is a product of Singapore….I was cringing when I saw how the local newspapers were harping on the fact that he was a Malaysian rah-rah-rah..chest thumping articles. It is embarrassing. The fact that he wasn’t invited to have luncheon with PM and wife (historically, champion Malaysians will always makan rendang and nasi lemak with PM and wife mahh) shows that the powers to be knows that we can’t really claim fame for it.

I still love this country, but its like dating an average looking but supremely horny yet bitchy person…sometimes its hot, sometimes its cold.

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Overheard in Bankerland

Ditzy Chihuahua : *boing boing boing* “Hihi Banker Wanker” *chirpy sugary voice*
Banker Wanker : *slowly lifts head up* “Hi, what’s up?”
Ditzy Chihuahua : “Nothing much, the usual la, I am soooo tired, soooo much stuff to think about…you know”
Banker Wanker : “Yeah, it’s a bummer, our line requires so much thinking, it must hurt sometimes….”
Ditzy Chihuahua : *tilts head to left, quizzical look* “Uhuh….ogay, got to go now, see ya soon” *boing boing boing”

Eye candy yes, porch light on? No…

Mojo

I have been reflecting alot about the past year and the many highs and lows that have peppered my work and personal life, and its about 50:50 for now. I am cruising along in my relatively new Japo ride, wearing some new clothes and a new tie that Moonlight bought for me, a healthy bank account and work is puttering along...so, it hasn't been too bad yeah. Sure, there was (and is a continuing situation) the fall out with the Queen, but that's not something fixable immediately..and maybe never. Bumblebee is the overriding factor now...and I suppose is the thin thread that binds me from falling into divorce-doom. Perhaps I need to recognize that my current state is going to be as good as it gets...and if that's truly so, then hell yeah, I am going to try to enjoy it while the good mojo last, cause the next fall could really be the one that breaks the camel's back. Short term gratification is truly my forte now...short term goals for now, don't ask me about life long purpose please...

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Moonlight, you are brilliant, thank you for being there when I needed you most. I miss ya....

Sidekick, where art thou....I hope you are well, see you soon...

Soulmate, the longing never ceases...far from sight, far from heart, I hope that works...

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Life in Bankerland is like a bad case of constipation with lego blocks up the chute at times...painful.

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Prices of landed properties in the Klang Valley has officially gone berserk. RM1.6 million...pah, easy peasy...*stocks up on maggi mee* *trains body to photosynthesize air*

Mesti ada gaya....

People, when you have spawns of your own, make sure they never choose to make investment banking as a vocation. Steer them (ahem*force them*ahem) towards any other vocations, except a life as an investment banker. There is no value add to this world in pursuing this line of work, there is nothing it can offer that the world can’t do without…yeah, sure it pays the bills, sure, some people in the industry might look up to you as a BSD; but in comparison to a doctor, an engineer, an artisan…an i.banker is such a hollow profession. Maybe I am feverish with a case of career-romanticism, fantasizing about how my work can be noble, rewarding and profoundly important to society and the world at large. But who am I kidding….its the monkey suit, disposal shaving kits and blackberry for now, selling “innovation” like the world’s existence depended on it…what a load of bullcrap.

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I am posting this on my new swanky netbook with my new plug and play broadband. But I can’t promise if I can post more moving forth :(. This new role in Bankerland is sucking the life out of me…and its not even good sucking. *ahem*

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Capon : “Let me introduce you to Banker Wanker, he is our guy on the regional side of business”
Banker Wanker : *fui yoh* *stoned face* *thinking regional tag is becoming this gigantic fluff ball that I have no control over* *shakes hand, smiles* *trying to recall LIBOR closing rates* *thinking curry stain on shirt not very there* *thinking I need to develop Engrish accent like those cina cikus in foreign banks*...”No laaaa, just chopping the lalang for now only wannn”

Confirm, fail.

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Milla Jovovich can throw shirukens at me anytime. Ali Carter too, but after Milla kay.

Of lalangs and chrysanthemum drink

Banker Wanker’s weekly ABCs:

A – Asshole spotted at the water cooler, pretending to be in deep thought for the longest time (with eyebrows all scrunched up), where in fact he was actually standing around to eavesdrop on a conversation close by.

B – Babe’s spotted in Bankerland….must be recruitment season again….

C – Carried Bumblebee, sprained my back. The boy is getting real heavy....someone said he looked like Winnie the Pooh -_-

D – Didn’t even notice that I have not been on a proper holiday for almost a year and a half

E – Emotionally drained

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I have a crush on this billboard face for McD’s value meal advertisements plastered all over the LRT pillars along Jalan Sultan Ismail. Her face is on the fifth pillar from the traffic lights at the Wisma Genting intersection (pillars on the right if you are coming from Bukit Bintang, count backwards from traffic lights). I am such a sucker for a pretty face….

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The long weekend was spent entertaining Bumblebee and cleaning after his poop. Lovely.

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When I was small, I used to follow my dad’s side of the family to their yearly visit to the ancestral’s grave somewhere in Selangor. Its more like an expedition really as the entourage has to brave through a hour’s walk consisting of 2 feet water and 1.5 meter high lalang before reaching the site (Think Viet war movies where the soldiers have to wad through slosh and lalang with guns raised up above head type of march). The leading guy would have to slash through the lalang, slowly making a path as we worm towards the site. You can imagine how fun this was for a 12 year old kid, especially so when I had my own mini parang to help out. I can still remember how the grass smells, how the brilliant green was illuminated by the scorching sun with brilliant blue skies overhead, the ‘nyek nyek’ sound of cheap rubber floppies sloshing through water and the refreshing feel of cool chrysanthemum drink (Yeo’s brand of course) after the day’s work.

I feel like I have to go through so much ‘lalang’ in my life right now and all I have is a butter knife to slash through them. Thoroughly demoralizing and absolutely pointless…..not even sure if there is going to be cool chrysanthemum drink at the end of it all...

What then....

Overheard in Bankerland:

Isabella: “Did you cut and paste this entire paper? You didn’t even bother to make it your own?”
Small Dick: “Err…well, yes, I cut and pasted some. But not all….”
Isabella: “You sure not all? Lets take a sampling….here, word for word from the rating report”
Small Dick: “Err…..well, yes…blah blah blah (avalanche of excuses and beating around the bush)”

This seemingly innocent episode precipitated 2 days of coaching and mentoring and closed door mid year reviews that ended in much denial and amazing show of ego from Small Dick. It is about time he is shipped out….


Banker Wanker: “They are insinuating that I tell Capon about the things that go on in the department?”
Isabella: “Yeah, seems so. And that you have certain influence in some of the decisions made on certain individuals etc”
Banker Wanker: “I am real disappointed. I can’t tell if they are genuine now or are they just putting up a front to manage me…..”
Isabella: “I think they genuinely like and respect you, but perhaps with a tinge of wariness”
Banker Wanker: “That is really disappointing…the perception couldn’t be further than the truth”

Stay low, go slow, don’t blow.

+++

Buzzword in Bankerland : Regionalization

*Banker Wanker trying not to laugh out loud, keeping it all in…bbhrrrrppttttt*

+++

Omigosh, Sarah’s new album is amazing…..it dost talk to me so. I have been thinking so much about how I am leading my life now, the relationships that I am in, the numbing pain that throbs just below the surface and where I want to be in 10 years time. I am just living for the moment, trying not to look too far beyond today and tomorrow for fear that it is as good as it gets. On the bad nights, Sarah plays in my head, and the notion of leaving this life right now seems to be almost appealing...I could be ready to go you know...I could be.....

Awakenings by Sarah McLachlan

When we first met the well was dry
A long dark winter passed us by
With shooting stars and hopeful hearts our worlds collide
And so we rushed to fill each other in

Quick to feed our hungry hopes
A feast of our affections we were born anew
With open eyes we tried to make it work
And for a while the magic took
But cracks began to show as soon as things got hard

Like paper walls our feelings tore
We threw our backs against the door
Unwilling to bear witness to the other side

Oh, the games we play to hide the tangled dread inside
The fear that we are going nowhere fast
So we point the finger out, the anger gets so loud
It drowns out all the sorrow, at least until tomorrow...what then?

I took a good hard look at how I loved
Years I squandered falling fast
For any boy who'd have me was so insecure
I'd lie awake alone at night
Full of loathing, compromised
And wondering how the hell did I end up like this

Oh, the tears of rage I cried, when nowhere could I find
An answer that made any kind of sense to me
I point the finger out, the anger gets so loud
It drowns out all the sorrow, at least until tomorrow...what then?

Oh I wanna learn, I wanna know
Will our history crush us or can we let it go?
I'm not the girl I was but what have I become?
I'm not so willing anymore to bend
Still pleasing and conceding
But I'm not gonna lose myself again

Opening time

I was in one of the many suburban malls in the Klang Valley on Saturday morning looking for my morning cuppa while I wait for my Japanese tin-can to be serviced. It was way before opening time for most of the shops, so I had to traverse the length of the mall back and forth to find a cosy corner. As I dragged my caffeine deprived legs, I couldn’t help but notice how strangely calming the sight and sounds of shop owners and workers preparing their shop and wares for the day’s opening were. The sound of shutters opening, vacuums, radios’ playing in the background, table and chairs being dragged into position; they all added to an interesting and almost hypnotic cacophony of sounds. For the briefest moment, the scene unfolding right then reminded me of what it felt like to be starting afresh, where the ‘shutters’ were closed the night before and much hope and expectations are placed in a new place or phase in life as one diligently places all their ‘wares’, offering everything they have in hope to find some measure of return, some happiness. Fleetingly, I felt hope again but I know for a fact too that there is no turning back for me now. Too little too late, c'est la vie. I finally found my cosy corner after much meandering, sat down with my cuppa and watched through the window as life passes by....

+++

Trending in Banker Wanker’s life at the moment:

1. Moonlight, its complicated
2. Bumblebee, on his walker terrorizing the furniture at home
3. Bankerland, slowwwww….wish things would move faster here
4. Alcohol…to numb the ache
5. Sex…the lack of it
6. Pork…poor substitute for 5
7. Sleep…to forget about 1,3 and 5

Dear Chums

Open letter to the chums in Bankerland:

Dear chums,

Yes, I am aware I am relatively young and have climbed the so called corporate ladder quicker than most of you who are, well frankly, a lot older than me. And because of the age differential, you chums think that you have earned your stripes blah blah blah, and hence should not be upstaged by a younger ciku. Well, I am sorry if you feel somewhat discriminated. I didn’t exactly see you chums complaining when my team and I were busting our asses on multiple transactions while you sit on your high horses doing jack, jacking off. Or the time when there was an opportunity to undertake some new projects; where were the lot of you when the boss asked who is interested to drive them. So, yes, relative to you chums, I am in a slightly better off position, but not undeservingly so. Don’t be so silo-ed my dear chums. Bankerland is but a small fry in this big big world of ours. I am but on a snail pace in comparison to the bigger fishes out there. That would make you chums slower than a snail, but I digress.

Don’t be so tunneled my fellow chums, that is what got you in this predicament in the first place. But if you do wish to continue meandering in your tunnel, I hope your tunnel is nice and comfy and colorful like the tunnel that you crawl into in one of those colorful blown up bouncy castles at the shopping malls. I hear colors are great for a baby’s development. Enjoy.

Yours sincerely,

Banker Wanker

p/s : I will be getting a promotion soon too, drinks on me chums.

The Constant Banker

It is 10 in the morning and I am enjoying the city’s foreign skyline from the highest floor of one of the best hotel that this city has to offer. I was lucky to be upgraded last night and the size of the room is enough to do some cart wheels with space to spare. Sigh, the view is excellent; I could sit here forever in this plush reading chair just staring into the skyline and doing some light reading. The din from the city is audible but only enough to be comforting and familiar, faint chatter emanating from the tv on the background provided some ambient sound to work myself into a relax mood. The work that needed to be done has been done, so it is down time now. I am exhausted and numb to a degree, but I am glad to be away from home. This morning, like many mornings that I have had in the past during my travels, I thought about the path that has led me to this very day, to this very moment. It has been a path fraught with much pain and disappointment and peppered with rare moments of success and getting something done right, at the right time. Abundance of luck appears to be the dominant theme. It could have been better, but it is not the worst, so that’s me settling again. I thought about how things have changed significantly in the last 9 months or so. I have changed, people around me too. Sidekick, Soulmate, Moonlight and the Queen have all changed too; for better or for worst, that’s not for me to judge. The only thing that has remained constant is the way I feel each time I stand in my hotel room, in a foreign land, alone, looking out into the skyline from the window. I will be in another foreign land next week and I look forward to the view from my hotel room again. Maybe one day, I would be able to share this with someone that matters…maybe some day, but not for now and maybe never. Time will tell if that’s a constant too…..

Ick ick..ma ma ma

Banker Wanker apologises for not writing much these past 2 weeks. I have been on the road a bit and would be for a while until the dust settles in Bankerland. I have been thinking of buying a netbook for portability as I often find myself bursting with things to write, and like a dream, I would struggle recalling them the next day when I do find myself in a position to write a post. I do occasionally type them into my blackberry, but the thought of accidentally sending it to a contact or worst still to my colleagues limits my foray into this mode of note taking. Yes, yes, I hear you, move with the times Banker Wanker. I think a voice recorder with a function to then transpose recordings to text would be awesome. I am certain it is out there, but probably not on a commercial basis yet.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

Snoop Dawg : “Do you think its normal if I draw diagrams for everything?”
Banker Wanker : “Yes it is. I hear spastic children draw them all the time. No worries dude”
Snoop Dawg : “I have been called a retard la but I prefer autistic”
Banker Wanker : “Dude, you are ass-tistic la. Its like fantastic but spelled differently”
Snoop Dawg : *nods with approval*


Overheard in Banker Wanker’s universe:

Banker Wanker: “Ok boi, you got to sit here and make this work kay. You got to crawl forward instead of backwards”
Bumblebee: *stares and drools, on tummy-ala sky diving position* “Eck eck…ma ma ma ma”
Banker Wanker: “Ok, now, you got your legs here, now pusssshhhhh your right feet” *holding on to tiny feet*
Bumblebee: *struggles struggles….goes backwards*
Banker Wanker: “Backwards is fine sometimes boi, but you can’t see where you are going. Now make this work kay. See, black ball in-front…Go boi! Go after the ball!!”
Bumblebee: *stares at ball rolling away, hands outstretched, big bum wriggling to try to move forward* “Ick ick…ma ma ma ma..ick ick” *still goes backwards*
Best conversation evarrrrrrrr…………..:)

+++

Predators is so bleah. I just don't buy Adrien Brody.

Ip Man 2 is okay okay only.

Looking forward to Inception.

Fire in the hole....kabooommm

So, the Queen and I have been on a cold war for a couple of days now after a series of arguments about work(mine)and how plugged out we have been in trying to juggle work, Bumblebee and ourselves. After all said and done, the same cycle repeats itself and the conclusion is predictable with me normally taking the short end of the stick. I can do no right.

+++

Things in Bankerland have been fluid and that's probably an understatement. Its tiresome to see structures and roles changing again and while it has largely been pretty ok for me, the timing of it all, coinciding with my already frayed mental state of mind is throwing me off my axis. The sad thing is, the many things (in particular relationships and friendships) that have brought much sanity are either no longer there or slowly unravelling to oblivion. Its like trying to shore up the foundations with ad-hoc building blocks only to realise much later that it has too much sand and not enough cement. On some days, I wish someone would blow me up (pun not intended) like one of those demolition jobs in Vegas, hit the foundations hard with TNT and let is crumble like a stack of cards. *Banker Wanker points to his chubby ass, please stick TNT there, make it a short fuse please*

+++

Sidekick, stay strong.I know things can be rough but you got to believe that one day, you would sail into calmer waters. Ok, sorry, I am lying, life can be a bitch all the time, and Murphy's Law dictates that some of us would probably continue to be in rough seas in perpetuity. But at least, potentially, you and I would have a kickass 60 feet state of the art yatch to surf the rough waves (yours would be named "Fuck Life", mine would be named "Suck This"), fitted with a jacuzzi, maple wood trimmings and virgin goat leather all round, endless supply of Moet and a hot crew (Italian studs for you, Japanese GT girls for me)to serve us. Keep the faith!

Love me please, I am an art form

Overheard in Banker Wanker's world:

Moonlight : "Do you miss me?"
Banker Wanker : "Yeah I do..."
Moonlight : "I will see you soon?"
Banker Wanker : "Not soon enough...you don't really need me. Its the idea that you have someone to turn to that keeps you here. It could be anyone else. It is hard to be just an idea..."
Moonlight : "I am sorry...."

+++

The idea of being just an idea kills me sometimes. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprise that this is a recurring theme in my life. I was afterall conceived by accident, unplanned...an idea some 30 plus years ago. I have had more than one girlfriend in the past that were coming out of nasty relationships, and I was the rebound guy, the fallback guy, the compromise...yeah, a nice idea, to have for the long lonely nights, with alcohol to numb the senses so as to dull the disappointment that they are not with the one they longed for. You know what, I am a tragedy of epic proportions. And do you know what tragedy is, as defined in the Shakespearean and Greek context? Tragedy is a form of art based on human suffering that offers its audience pleasure. No kidding, wiki it. So, Banker Wanker's life is a tragedy because it has/provides/is....

1. human suffering, check;
2. audience pleasure, check;
3. a form of art (very subjective), check.

Our eden's a failure

Overheard in Bankerland

Banker Wanker: “Cepat cepat…bangun, bangun Isabella….”
Isabella: “Coming, coming…..aiyah, mistake again”
Banker Wanker: “Ayuh, ayuh……”
Isabella: “Aiyah, mistake again…..”
Banker Wanker : *smacks forehead*
It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log…..good help is hard to find these days.



Banker Wanker: “Congrats…you deserve it”
Snoop Dawg: “This is for real? I didn’t expect this….”
Banker Wanker: “There was some lobbying and meetings, but we manage to pull it through”
Snoop Dawg : “Wow, a few more of these and I can be your boss laa”
Banker Wanker: “Your misguided ambition is commendable but ultimately futile at best. Now please, make yourself useful and give me a foot rub then after that, go and wash my car in the car park”
Snoop Dawg : “Only if you allow me to suck your toes and wash your car topless….”
Banker Wanker: “You sick sick puppy…”
Snoop Dawg: “Woof”

+++

Bumblebee is growing real fast now and it is fascinating watching him learn new things every week and seeing his overall physical and mental development. On the good days, I can almost comprehend how some fathers can absolutely adore their offsprings and devote 100% of their entire lives to the well being of their kids with the kind of commitment and sacrifices that I can only dream off and unable to fully proffer in my current state. On the bad days, I feel like the world's burden is on me and that I deserve to be happier and on these days, running away is the overwhelming desire that envelopes me into a catatonic state of ambivalence. Its shameful, I know and please don't judge me. In the eyes of those around me i.e my family on both sides, I am up for nomination for dad of the decade. But, as I have said in my older post, I am only giving my 65%. The other 35% is currently in the wilderness, focused into relationships, work and endeavours that provide me with some measure of sanity albeit short lived in most cases. I hope Bumblebee grows up not ever knowing how screwed up his dad is, it’s a real shame really.


Sarah Mclachlan – U Want Me Too

You walk on by
Clueless and so high
Following your aimless
Path away from us
You're so far away
And what can I say
Cause I can't be the one
You wanted me to be

So tell me
How do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go
It'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay
And say I still want you
U want me 2, don't you?

So what are we saying
Our eden's a failure
A made-up story
To fit
The picture-perfect world
The one with I do's
And I love you
And we are made
For each other
Is forever over now?

And tell me
How do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go
It'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay
And say I still want you
U want me 2, don't you?

I hope there's forgiveness
In the distance between us
Can we make what lies
Ahead of us
A better place to be?