Mojo

I have been reflecting alot about the past year and the many highs and lows that have peppered my work and personal life, and its about 50:50 for now. I am cruising along in my relatively new Japo ride, wearing some new clothes and a new tie that Moonlight bought for me, a healthy bank account and work is puttering along...so, it hasn't been too bad yeah. Sure, there was (and is a continuing situation) the fall out with the Queen, but that's not something fixable immediately..and maybe never. Bumblebee is the overriding factor now...and I suppose is the thin thread that binds me from falling into divorce-doom. Perhaps I need to recognize that my current state is going to be as good as it gets...and if that's truly so, then hell yeah, I am going to try to enjoy it while the good mojo last, cause the next fall could really be the one that breaks the camel's back. Short term gratification is truly my forte now...short term goals for now, don't ask me about life long purpose please...

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Moonlight, you are brilliant, thank you for being there when I needed you most. I miss ya....

Sidekick, where art thou....I hope you are well, see you soon...

Soulmate, the longing never ceases...far from sight, far from heart, I hope that works...

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Life in Bankerland is like a bad case of constipation with lego blocks up the chute at times...painful.

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Prices of landed properties in the Klang Valley has officially gone berserk. RM1.6 million...pah, easy peasy...*stocks up on maggi mee* *trains body to photosynthesize air*

Mesti ada gaya....

People, when you have spawns of your own, make sure they never choose to make investment banking as a vocation. Steer them (ahem*force them*ahem) towards any other vocations, except a life as an investment banker. There is no value add to this world in pursuing this line of work, there is nothing it can offer that the world can’t do without…yeah, sure it pays the bills, sure, some people in the industry might look up to you as a BSD; but in comparison to a doctor, an engineer, an artisan…an i.banker is such a hollow profession. Maybe I am feverish with a case of career-romanticism, fantasizing about how my work can be noble, rewarding and profoundly important to society and the world at large. But who am I kidding….its the monkey suit, disposal shaving kits and blackberry for now, selling “innovation” like the world’s existence depended on it…what a load of bullcrap.

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I am posting this on my new swanky netbook with my new plug and play broadband. But I can’t promise if I can post more moving forth :(. This new role in Bankerland is sucking the life out of me…and its not even good sucking. *ahem*

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Capon : “Let me introduce you to Banker Wanker, he is our guy on the regional side of business”
Banker Wanker : *fui yoh* *stoned face* *thinking regional tag is becoming this gigantic fluff ball that I have no control over* *shakes hand, smiles* *trying to recall LIBOR closing rates* *thinking curry stain on shirt not very there* *thinking I need to develop Engrish accent like those cina cikus in foreign banks*...”No laaaa, just chopping the lalang for now only wannn”

Confirm, fail.

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Milla Jovovich can throw shirukens at me anytime. Ali Carter too, but after Milla kay.

Of lalangs and chrysanthemum drink

Banker Wanker’s weekly ABCs:

A – Asshole spotted at the water cooler, pretending to be in deep thought for the longest time (with eyebrows all scrunched up), where in fact he was actually standing around to eavesdrop on a conversation close by.

B – Babe’s spotted in Bankerland….must be recruitment season again….

C – Carried Bumblebee, sprained my back. The boy is getting real heavy....someone said he looked like Winnie the Pooh -_-

D – Didn’t even notice that I have not been on a proper holiday for almost a year and a half

E – Emotionally drained

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I have a crush on this billboard face for McD’s value meal advertisements plastered all over the LRT pillars along Jalan Sultan Ismail. Her face is on the fifth pillar from the traffic lights at the Wisma Genting intersection (pillars on the right if you are coming from Bukit Bintang, count backwards from traffic lights). I am such a sucker for a pretty face….

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The long weekend was spent entertaining Bumblebee and cleaning after his poop. Lovely.

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When I was small, I used to follow my dad’s side of the family to their yearly visit to the ancestral’s grave somewhere in Selangor. Its more like an expedition really as the entourage has to brave through a hour’s walk consisting of 2 feet water and 1.5 meter high lalang before reaching the site (Think Viet war movies where the soldiers have to wad through slosh and lalang with guns raised up above head type of march). The leading guy would have to slash through the lalang, slowly making a path as we worm towards the site. You can imagine how fun this was for a 12 year old kid, especially so when I had my own mini parang to help out. I can still remember how the grass smells, how the brilliant green was illuminated by the scorching sun with brilliant blue skies overhead, the ‘nyek nyek’ sound of cheap rubber floppies sloshing through water and the refreshing feel of cool chrysanthemum drink (Yeo’s brand of course) after the day’s work.

I feel like I have to go through so much ‘lalang’ in my life right now and all I have is a butter knife to slash through them. Thoroughly demoralizing and absolutely pointless…..not even sure if there is going to be cool chrysanthemum drink at the end of it all...

What then....

Overheard in Bankerland:

Isabella: “Did you cut and paste this entire paper? You didn’t even bother to make it your own?”
Small Dick: “Err…well, yes, I cut and pasted some. But not all….”
Isabella: “You sure not all? Lets take a sampling….here, word for word from the rating report”
Small Dick: “Err…..well, yes…blah blah blah (avalanche of excuses and beating around the bush)”

This seemingly innocent episode precipitated 2 days of coaching and mentoring and closed door mid year reviews that ended in much denial and amazing show of ego from Small Dick. It is about time he is shipped out….


Banker Wanker: “They are insinuating that I tell Capon about the things that go on in the department?”
Isabella: “Yeah, seems so. And that you have certain influence in some of the decisions made on certain individuals etc”
Banker Wanker: “I am real disappointed. I can’t tell if they are genuine now or are they just putting up a front to manage me…..”
Isabella: “I think they genuinely like and respect you, but perhaps with a tinge of wariness”
Banker Wanker: “That is really disappointing…the perception couldn’t be further than the truth”

Stay low, go slow, don’t blow.

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Buzzword in Bankerland : Regionalization

*Banker Wanker trying not to laugh out loud, keeping it all in…bbhrrrrppttttt*

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Omigosh, Sarah’s new album is amazing…..it dost talk to me so. I have been thinking so much about how I am leading my life now, the relationships that I am in, the numbing pain that throbs just below the surface and where I want to be in 10 years time. I am just living for the moment, trying not to look too far beyond today and tomorrow for fear that it is as good as it gets. On the bad nights, Sarah plays in my head, and the notion of leaving this life right now seems to be almost appealing...I could be ready to go you know...I could be.....

Awakenings by Sarah McLachlan

When we first met the well was dry
A long dark winter passed us by
With shooting stars and hopeful hearts our worlds collide
And so we rushed to fill each other in

Quick to feed our hungry hopes
A feast of our affections we were born anew
With open eyes we tried to make it work
And for a while the magic took
But cracks began to show as soon as things got hard

Like paper walls our feelings tore
We threw our backs against the door
Unwilling to bear witness to the other side

Oh, the games we play to hide the tangled dread inside
The fear that we are going nowhere fast
So we point the finger out, the anger gets so loud
It drowns out all the sorrow, at least until tomorrow...what then?

I took a good hard look at how I loved
Years I squandered falling fast
For any boy who'd have me was so insecure
I'd lie awake alone at night
Full of loathing, compromised
And wondering how the hell did I end up like this

Oh, the tears of rage I cried, when nowhere could I find
An answer that made any kind of sense to me
I point the finger out, the anger gets so loud
It drowns out all the sorrow, at least until tomorrow...what then?

Oh I wanna learn, I wanna know
Will our history crush us or can we let it go?
I'm not the girl I was but what have I become?
I'm not so willing anymore to bend
Still pleasing and conceding
But I'm not gonna lose myself again

Opening time

I was in one of the many suburban malls in the Klang Valley on Saturday morning looking for my morning cuppa while I wait for my Japanese tin-can to be serviced. It was way before opening time for most of the shops, so I had to traverse the length of the mall back and forth to find a cosy corner. As I dragged my caffeine deprived legs, I couldn’t help but notice how strangely calming the sight and sounds of shop owners and workers preparing their shop and wares for the day’s opening were. The sound of shutters opening, vacuums, radios’ playing in the background, table and chairs being dragged into position; they all added to an interesting and almost hypnotic cacophony of sounds. For the briefest moment, the scene unfolding right then reminded me of what it felt like to be starting afresh, where the ‘shutters’ were closed the night before and much hope and expectations are placed in a new place or phase in life as one diligently places all their ‘wares’, offering everything they have in hope to find some measure of return, some happiness. Fleetingly, I felt hope again but I know for a fact too that there is no turning back for me now. Too little too late, c'est la vie. I finally found my cosy corner after much meandering, sat down with my cuppa and watched through the window as life passes by....

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Trending in Banker Wanker’s life at the moment:

1. Moonlight, its complicated
2. Bumblebee, on his walker terrorizing the furniture at home
3. Bankerland, slowwwww….wish things would move faster here
4. Alcohol…to numb the ache
5. Sex…the lack of it
6. Pork…poor substitute for 5
7. Sleep…to forget about 1,3 and 5

Dear Chums

Open letter to the chums in Bankerland:

Dear chums,

Yes, I am aware I am relatively young and have climbed the so called corporate ladder quicker than most of you who are, well frankly, a lot older than me. And because of the age differential, you chums think that you have earned your stripes blah blah blah, and hence should not be upstaged by a younger ciku. Well, I am sorry if you feel somewhat discriminated. I didn’t exactly see you chums complaining when my team and I were busting our asses on multiple transactions while you sit on your high horses doing jack, jacking off. Or the time when there was an opportunity to undertake some new projects; where were the lot of you when the boss asked who is interested to drive them. So, yes, relative to you chums, I am in a slightly better off position, but not undeservingly so. Don’t be so silo-ed my dear chums. Bankerland is but a small fry in this big big world of ours. I am but on a snail pace in comparison to the bigger fishes out there. That would make you chums slower than a snail, but I digress.

Don’t be so tunneled my fellow chums, that is what got you in this predicament in the first place. But if you do wish to continue meandering in your tunnel, I hope your tunnel is nice and comfy and colorful like the tunnel that you crawl into in one of those colorful blown up bouncy castles at the shopping malls. I hear colors are great for a baby’s development. Enjoy.

Yours sincerely,

Banker Wanker

p/s : I will be getting a promotion soon too, drinks on me chums.

The Constant Banker

It is 10 in the morning and I am enjoying the city’s foreign skyline from the highest floor of one of the best hotel that this city has to offer. I was lucky to be upgraded last night and the size of the room is enough to do some cart wheels with space to spare. Sigh, the view is excellent; I could sit here forever in this plush reading chair just staring into the skyline and doing some light reading. The din from the city is audible but only enough to be comforting and familiar, faint chatter emanating from the tv on the background provided some ambient sound to work myself into a relax mood. The work that needed to be done has been done, so it is down time now. I am exhausted and numb to a degree, but I am glad to be away from home. This morning, like many mornings that I have had in the past during my travels, I thought about the path that has led me to this very day, to this very moment. It has been a path fraught with much pain and disappointment and peppered with rare moments of success and getting something done right, at the right time. Abundance of luck appears to be the dominant theme. It could have been better, but it is not the worst, so that’s me settling again. I thought about how things have changed significantly in the last 9 months or so. I have changed, people around me too. Sidekick, Soulmate, Moonlight and the Queen have all changed too; for better or for worst, that’s not for me to judge. The only thing that has remained constant is the way I feel each time I stand in my hotel room, in a foreign land, alone, looking out into the skyline from the window. I will be in another foreign land next week and I look forward to the view from my hotel room again. Maybe one day, I would be able to share this with someone that matters…maybe some day, but not for now and maybe never. Time will tell if that’s a constant too…..