Of Genes and Dreams

I really get this new song by John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare, which is on the original soundtrack of Date Night….

Sampling of Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer:

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

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Overheard in Banker Wanker’s world:

Moonlight: "You didn't have to...but its nice"
Banker Wanker: "Its a small thing, really"
Moonlight: "Sigh"
Banker Wanker needs to stop shopping for awhile.

Soulmate: "Nothing much to complain about, and you shouldn't either. Not that you complain much to me anyway"
Banker Wanker: "That's because you are a positive energy person and you wouldn't want to hear my complains in any case"
Soulmate: "Ok, nites!!"
Banker Wanker shouldn't expect anything more than this.

The Queen: "I love you"
Banker Wanker: "Yeah, I know"
On hindsight, Banker Wanker thinks the response speaks a thousand words.

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Study Links Gene Variant in Men to Marital Discord

Men are more likely to be devoted and loyal husbands when they lack a particular variant of a gene that influences brain activity, researchers announced yesterday -- the first time that science has shown a direct link between a man's genes and his aptitude for monogamy....read more here

I wonder if a cheating gene is hereditary?

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I have not been able to get deep restful sleep for some months now and in these past weeks, the dreams have been unsettling to say the least. I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat, feeling like the dreams were real, but not really remembering bits of it, just the emotional aftershocks that come with the dreams. I have never been the type who reads too much into dreams, largely due to the fact that my dreams were never the realistic or logical type, just images and lots of fluff that has no apparent meaning or linkage. But these days, they seem to carry more form, involving people around me, settings, scripts and scenarios that seems to be real or desired. Like a parallel world that I have no control over, but long to be? I wonder if they are premonitory or healing in nature? Nightmares perhaps? Seen from the perspective of what could be that will never be, but here you go, have a taste of it chum, but you ain't getting any. Cruel cruel this dream business..someone please shoot me with some elephant tranquilizer, any takers? I got a big ass, you can't miss.*bends over*

Milk and Cookies Finally

Thanks Sidekick for taking the effort to buy me milk and cookies. You are da best! I have missed you much. I have almost forgotten how much I enjoy talking to you, such is the depth of my isolation. You look happy...there is an unmistakable glint in your eyes despite the uncertainties over your relationships.

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I am done for the week, have nothing more to offer. Physically, I feel battered and to think I am only in my 30s. Emotionally, I am like a fruit cake with too much rum. Here's to the weekend, game face on, calibrate engines to 65%. I need to buy a dream catcher soon to weed out the shitty dreams. Have a good one peeps.

Mad Season

Mad Season by Matchbox 20

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - I could’ve been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down

I feel stupid but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - think it's funny how now one knows
We don't talk about - the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why ya gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now
It seems to me - you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - I'm lost and I'm hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though I've never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season

I feel stupid - but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly - but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down

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It has been a mad season indeed, my mental health have not been the best these past 3 months or so. Besides the anti social tendencies like having lunch/dinner alone at my secret hideouts and drinks alone at bar counters, I have noticed that I am prone to occasional bouts of self pity and melancholy. While I remain optimistic in my meanderings at work and career outlook at Bankerland, the gnawing void that I feel on the family and social front is beginning to snowball into a messy yarn of sticky tape and goo. It is infinitely pointless and disappointing to have friends saying that I should be happy with what I have, and that they wish they had what I have etc etc. It is lip service to say the least and to gloss over the real reasons behind it is to simply brush aside my feelings and what is important to me. Sorry if my issues are such an affront to your nice cosy bubble, I swear it wasn’t my intention to pollute your sphere of positive energy.

So much for friends and perhaps that is a chief reason why I rather spend time alone these days. I simply can’t say for certain that there is someone out there who can comprehend and is able to provide the kind of support I need. That’s too much too ask I suppose. Could it be the fear of delving into a world that they rather not see or just plain selfishness? Is it me, or is it harder to form real friendships these days where everything fast and superficial is in vogue? Where are the care bear stares and offer of cookies and milk to make everything seem better?

Mad season it is, better to be alone for now.

The hour of death would have been welcome to me.

Excerpts from Victor Hugo’s letter to Adele Foucher 1820

A few words from you, my beloved Adele, have again changed the state of my mind. Yes, you can do anything with me, and tomorrow, I should be dead indeed if the gentle sound of your voice, the tender pressure of your adored lips, do not suffice to recall the life to my body. With what different feelings to yesterday’s I shall lay myself down tonight! Yesterday, Adele, I no longer believed in your love; the hour of death would have been welcome to me.

And yet I still said to myself, ‘if it be true that she does not love me, if nothing in me could deserve the blessing of her love, without which there is no longer any charm in life, is that a reason for dying? Do I exist for her own personal happiness? No; my whole existence is devoted to her, even in spite of her. And by what right should I have dared to aspire to her love? Am I, then, more than an angel or a deity?

FMD, that's so good I could almost french kiss Victor Hugo if he was still alive. A gold standard of letter writing in the age of romanticism.

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So the Queen got a pay rise. I am not sure where all the extra money would be siphoned to, but I have been feeling a bit short changed recently due to the fact that I am already covering the mortgage, her car loan and shelled out cash for my own ride so that I could give her my car. It would be nice for her to channel some of her funds to the cause especially since I have been mulling over a new ride to replace my Japanese tin can and I have my sight set on a nice continental ride to reward myself. But the additional gearing ain't making it an easy decision. Being middle-income sucks. I may have to compromise again and settle for a more affordable Japanese ride. My life of compromises continues...

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Bumblebee is 6 months now, he is brilliant at this age, real animated and has a fine temper to boot. Time flies...by the time I know it, he is going to start calling me dude.

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The stock market this morning continues to correct. It is sad to see the country lacking of any credible storyline and catalyst to attract foreign investors and FDIs. The recent policies, glazed as a changed in the country's growth engine appears to be more of a reconditioning of an old engine to make it look like a new one. Too much fluff and verbal rah rah, too little credible execution, too little too late it seems. Tragic....thank God we still have nasi lemak and cendol.

Rapid fire....

What a lousy weekend, I seriously need whisky and a shag.

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The Mercedes CLS is awesome, I want one now.

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Just finished the final season of Boston Legal, I will miss Danny Crane and Alan Shore.

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A good steak sandwich accompanied with thick fries is really food for the soul. I need whisky, a shag AND a steak sandwich now (combo 2, upsize mine, in that order please).

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Being a devoted dad is hard. Pretending to be an engaged husband is becoming almost impossible.

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I was really at the edge last night, I hated myself last night because I couldn’t do anything about my current situation. I fear I am slipping further down into the cavern of no return. Throw some light down here please.

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"I love money", mantra of the month. aum aum aum