Random thoughts

Overheard in Bankerland:

Banker Wanker : “Seriously, this girl has more cock than me”
Snoop Dawg : “What do you mean, like she got balls or what?”
Banker Wanker: “I meant cocky la, but yeah, seriously I think she got 2 pairs of balls la”
Snoop Dawg : “That explains her walk….*nods*”
Banker Wanker is currently working with very loud colleagues that scare him sometimes, resulting in him retreating into his little hermit crab shell.

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My apologies for not updating much these past 2 weeks. Been camping day and night in Bankerland trying to make a transaction work. Its going to the dogs, but since the powers to be in Bankerland are so fixated with the potential $$$, I got to play ball. I have learned a few lessons along the way though:

Lesson No. 1 : At the end of the day, nothing speaks louder than your actions and deliverables.

“When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?”

Lesson No. 2 : Money can do short term wonders for staff motivation.

"While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery."

Lesson No.3 : Listening first and then having the full facts and strategy for the final say is infinitely more satisfying and impactful.

“A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.”

I hope the late nights and weekends at the office are coming to an end. Dang, I need a shag.

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Continuing from my previous post; 5 moments in my life that I would have like to freeze frame:

- The day I fell head over heels for the person I would have love to spend every moment of my live with (To remind myself that I have the capacity to love someone unconditionally and to remind myself that I can never get what I want in life all the time)
- The morning that I saw Bumblebee for the first time in his incubator just right after his delivery (To remind myself of how fragile he was then and wow, look at him now)
- This Scotland moment that I blogged about
- The day I skinny dipped in full view of many unfortunate people (To remind myself that I used to be a carefree person and in hope that there are pieces of that person floating somewhere in my chubby frame)
- The day I lost my virginity (Major milestone weh :))

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Images of eco-friendly diapers colored in neon pink and green has been flashing in my head these past few days. Two separate conversations with colleagues about it has probably triggered some basal sub-conscious desire to buy these overpriced little cute poo pods. I think I need to spend less time in baby shops over the weekends. It used to be random images of neon pink and green Gs in the past, not diapers -_-

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Random thought : David Gurnani is the winner of Asia’s Biggest Loser. He lost a whopping 87kg, more than half his original weight. All I could think of while watching the re-run of the result show was, did his penis shrink as a result of the drastic weight lost? *shudders, Banker Wanker helps himself to an extra serving of lard to avoid any unwanted eventualities*

The right road for now

It was just a simple meet up for drinks and food at the usual hang out joint. I envy how oblivious and unaffected the rest were as I mechanically went through the serving of my usuals, trying to engage in some of the conversations that were going back and forth to exude some semblance of normalcy. I was far from being myself, feeling naked and defenceless against an onslaught of emotions that threatened to tear down some of the walls that I have been building and shoring up for the last 4 months. Just 20 minutes ago, on the road trying to make my way there, I was having serious doubts, thinking to myself that it wouldn’t do me any good going for the gathering if it means opening myself up to self pity and deep sadness that engulf me not too long back. Pathetically, I resorted to flipping radio stations looking for some form of epiphany. None came but Bread’s If which itself was a rare song to be heard on the airwaves. I laughed ironically as I listened to the lyrics and I was sure then that the gods did have a cruel sense of humour. Lost in the song for a moment, unconsciously forming the imaginary chords to the song on my left hand, I slipped into the final stretch of highway that led to where the road will fork into two. I can see it now and I had to decide. To the right, safety beckons. To the left, unknown depths of pain. Head on into danger, that’s the way I swing and to the left I went, silently chastening myself for being so predictable. And there I was, heard the laughter, put on my game face, hoped for the best, armour up to protect the walls. The conversations passed by in a blur, clinking of glasses, promises to do this more often, it was time for my last drink. It has been awhile since I last saw her and she looked happy. I was happy for her. Some things have changed, some things remain. I survived. The cracks were not as bad as I thought it would be, the wall was holding up requiring just a little touch up here and there. Nothing some sleep and immersion in work and other activities won’t mend. I headed back to where the road forked into two again, and this time I went to the right, safety beckons. It’s the right road for now…….

Broken clock, freezed moments

Overheard in Banker Wanker’s world:

Moonlight : “You know, over the years, I have come to realize that out of all my friends, you have been the most steadfast and hence why I have always continued to turn to you in times when I am down and low”
Banker Wanker : “That’s a nice thing to say” *small voice : but what about the times when you are up and about? I don’t deserve your time then?*

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Bumblebee hasn’t been sleeping that well lately, just a sudden change in his sleeping pattern. Just when I thought we were cruising, something changes again. Ahh, the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. I have been sleepless in any case, with or without him waking up. Something has been bothering me but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Perhaps it’s the state of constant change that I am experiencing in my life right now or maybe it’s the feeling I am being taken on a ride by the people that I care about most. Disquiet soul indeed.

Broken by Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

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If you had a chance to freeze moments in your life, which ones would it be? Am going to think about this for a bit and in my next post I will share with you some of my moments that I would have like to freeze frame.

A Little Piece Of Heaven

Our happiest moments as tourists always seem to come when we stumble upon one thing while in pursuit of something else. – Lawrence Block

This is so true and it reminded me of a little piece of heaven I stumbled across while backpacking in Scotland, in the outskirts of Inverness. It was a strip of forest that was hidden from the main path; stones and rocks covered in moss lined the forest floor giving it an illusion of a fresh green colored carpet. The overhead was totally shrouded by trees, filtered rays of sunshine shining through giving an ethereal glow to the piece of heaven. I sat there for some time, immersed in what I saw and felt around me, and it was one of those perfect moments of peace and tranquility that I often revisit in memory when I need to escape for a while.

I have not been stumbling into anything for a while now in my various pursuits. I cite tunnel vision as my main problem or maybe I am just not as open to other possibilities as I was in my younger years. Perhaps experiences have taught me that some routes are just not worth the trouble, you may just end up with scraps and bruises at the other end of it. But I tell ya, the thought of finding that little piece of heaven in the relevant context, even if it is only a one in a million chance, still leaves me eyeballing the waysides from the corner of my squinty eyes.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Scene 1 : Small Dick : “I sent it already, really. You can check my email, maybe something wrong with server or your email. But I have sent it” *said in a defensive and aggressive tone to a senior in the department*
Scene 2 : Small Dick : “This is the 27rd floor, not 28th, you are at the wrong floor. Please go up” *said in overtly aggressive tone to a lost messenger boy*
Scene 3: Small Dick : “You don’t believe me ah, this is how it is calculated ok, I know for sure” *huffs and puffs, in aggressive tone to a peer seen as competition*
Banker Wanker thinks that being insecure is one thing, but being rude and defensive is just unnecessary.

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Check out this blog by a recovering sex addict/alcoholic/porn star.

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It has been 4 months since Soulmate left. Some things have changed, some remains.

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Sidekick just released her first report and it was a great debut. I hope she finds some time to unwind and kick back for a while before the next cycle starts.

The Cranky Old Man

This poem have been circulating around the net and I wanted to share this with you. The background story as follows. Be kind to your parents kay.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country NSW, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses?..What do you see?
What are you thinking.. when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man..not very wise,
Uncertain of habit..with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food..and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice..'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice..the things that you do.
And forever is losing..A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not..lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding..The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?..Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse..you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am..As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding..as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten..with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters..who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen ..with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now ..a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows ..that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now ..I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ..And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ..My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ..With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ..have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me ..to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more..Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children ..My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me ..My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ..I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing ..young of their own.
And I think of the years ..And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man ..and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age ..look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles ..grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone ..where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass ..A young man still dwells,
And now and again ..my battered heart swells
I remember the joys ..I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living ..life over again.

I think of the years .. all too few .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact ..that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ..open and see.
Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . . . . . . . ME!!

A life of compromises

My whole life has been a series of compromises. From birth up to now. When I was a toddler, I had my suspicion that I was an “accident” and confronted my mum about it. Her response was vague but enough to decipher the truth. The decision to keep me was a compromise of sorts in my parent’s marital woes and obviously I wasn't a very effective solution cause my dad did leave us eventually.

In pre-school, I was hopeless at mandarin, but as a compromise to get a pass, I was persuaded to take on a female role in our yearly pageant. I obviously gave an Oscar winning performance cause I got 100% all the way for mandarin without ever lifting my pencil or uttering a single word of mandarin. Heavy make-up and wearing girls clothing will forever haunt me.

In primary school, I told my mum that I wanted to play table tennis full time and join a Chinese association for daily training. She said sure, provided the association feeds and cloth me till I was 18 (brrpptt, I could always feed myself with my table tennis winnings). Her other requirement was for the association to make an application to the NRD to include the association’s name into my name, she said it was for my own good and protection. I thought it was a brilliant idea and spoke to my coach about it. At the end of the conversation, I thought coach was introducing some new training technique that involves rolling on the floor and laughing out dementedly. Moms can be cruel that way.

In high school, I compromised and settled for this girl that I wasn’t even really interested in to start with. I just wanted to get fresh with her. Her best friend (who was actually interested in me first) dated my best friend (I gave up my right for the sake of my buddy). They were perpetually screwing like bunnies in summer heat while I was stuck on 2nd base with my compromise. The irony.

In college, it was either a car or an oversea education. On hindsight, this is a no brainer, but seen from the eyes of a college kid, it was an excruciating compromise. An oversea education it was. Thankfully I had rich friends who would lend me their ride for my dates. The compromise, I get to do their homework for them. A compromise that I was happy to agree to for some compromising positions in their car.

Rushing through university then my work life, the compromises just kept piling on. And here I am, in my 30s, still compromising at the expense of my own happiness.

Chilling at the crossroad

I have been in a state of suspended animation, chilling out at the crossroad these past 2 weeks, trying to divine inspiration from the powers to be to see which route to take. I look to the left and I look to the right, and both route seemed interesting enough. To the left, matured oak trees lined the road, predictable scenery to the left and right, road well used but in fairly good condition, terrain relatively flat leading to a foreseeable destination. To the right, newly planted maple trees looking fresh and breezy, scenery is one of expanse with shades of grey in the distance, road is fine gravel but needs maintenance due to the winding and hilly terrain. Destination unknown, one can only see the next fuel station up ahead.

I look behind and sideways to gauge what feels right at this moment and I gingerly take a step towards the left. Baby steps for the time being, peripheral vision still has the route to the right in view just in case. Crap, I wasn't suppose to look back. Fail again.

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Do try out Little Korea at Solaris Mont Kiara (the same row with Maybank). The bi bim bab is really good here. The other ala carte noodles, rice and side stuff are decent too although the BBQ is only average for me. For BBQ, I still prefer Daorae in Desa Sri Hartamas (also the same row with Maybank). Massisseoyo!

Have a good weekend peeps!

What's that smell ah?

A serving of Banker Wanker's daily random thoughts;

"Groan, another early morning, I hope I hit the jackpot"
"Dang, frisky this morning aren't we, down boy"
"Please please let the traffic be light"
"Ooo, cute chick in beemer"
"Please please let it be a light day at the office"
"Move aside losers, investment banker coming through, shwing shwing"
"Ooo, she is looking hot, wonder if those are real"
"Booger check booger check"
"Red alert red alert, idiot radar buzzing"
“I wonder what Claudia Bassol is doing right now”
“Wah, damn itchy”

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“Don’t take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive” – Elbert Hubbard

Read : Remember to take the chill pill yeah.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Capon : “Can you believe it, they quoted Libor+ 280 for the deal. We would have been landed with the commitment with no recourse out. Bunch of overpaid idiots who knows jack shit”
Banker Wanker : *nods and sighs* *munching popcorn mentally while watching the show*
Although he knows he shouldn’t but Banker Wanker is gleefully tickled to see how things are imploding for some chums who came into Bankerland soaked in too much self-importance. Ahh, the stench of failure never smelled so sweet.

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Sidekick, I can't wait to see the premier of your work to the world. We little oysters here love to see a fellow oyster from our little oyster colony breaking out into the big big world. :)

Take no hostages, leave no one behind

Negotiations. Been doing that a lot lately in Bankerland and it gets tiresome especially when I am dealing with nimcompooks. But that’s the nature of my job where prolonged negotiations (sometimes pointless negotiations) take a good chunk of the total time spent bringing a transaction to the market. Be it negotiating with the clients, lawyers, regulators and even denizens from Bankerland, there are basic techniques that one should master to facilitate the process. The following are some guiding principles you should keep in mind the next time you are in negotiations territory. You can even use them when you have to negotiate with your bf/gf/fb/spouse for your rights, free passes, holiday with your buddies, golf etc. But boys, if you have to negotiate for sex, then you would truly know who wears the pants at home :)

Negotiation Techniques
- Prepare, prepare, prepare.
Enter a negotiation without proper preparation and you've already lost. Make sure you are clear on what you really want out of the arrangement. If possible research the other side to better understand their needs as well as their strengths and weaknesses.

- Timing is key.
Be sensitive to when you ask for it. There are times to press ahead, and times to wait. But beware of pushing too hard and risk jeopardizing a long-term relationship.

- No ego please.
The best negotiators either don't care or don't show they care about who gets credit for a successful deal. Their talent is in making the other side feel like the final agreement was all their idea.

- Brush up your listening skills.
The best negotiators are often good listeners who let others make their case. It's generally better to sit tight and let the other side go first as it gives you a chance to decipher what they are thinking.

- Anticipate compromise.
You should expect to make concessions and plan what they might be. Of course, the other side is thinking the same, so never take their first offer. Even if it's what you'd hoped for, be cool fool and politely decline. You never know what else you can get.

- Stick to your guns.
You must have a set of values that you just won't compromise. If you find the negotiation not in congruence with your values, it might be a deal you should walk away from.

- Close with confirmation.
Even if no final deal is struck, recap the issues covered and any areas of agreement. Make sure everyone confirms. Do not leave behind loose ends and it might be good to follow up with a memo or email.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Banker Wanker: "I am concerned by our inability to attract new staff and to retain staff, especially good staff that is required to bring the business to another level"
General: "Yes, it is a competitive environment"
Banker Wanker: "Take for example Sidekick. Such a waste"
General: "Yes, Sidekick was really a big loss. We had big plans for her. It was truly a big loss but our hands were tied in many ways"
Banker Wanker hopes that the General sees the light and while much needs to be done, Banker Wanker is marginally heartened to see some effort on General's part to show some goodwill and intent.

Puchong Boy: "Banker Wanker, cucur udang for you?" *extends oily plastic bag with 2 marble sized pieces*
Banker Wanker: *Looks up* "I don't take crumbs"
Puchong Boy: "No weh, still got 2 pieces, not crumbs"
Banker Wanker: *gives are-you-joking look* "Yes, 2 pieces of crumbs. Come back when you have something more"
Puchong Boy: *scurries away sheepishly*
Muahahaha.

Looking for alms and new eyes

Its the 3rd month of the year already! I think it is time for a quarterly stock-take on this list of things to do for 2010.

1) Visit a home (senior citizen, orphanage, etc)
2) Take a vow of silence for 1 day
3) Cook for your loved ones more often
4) Declutter your house, office cubicle and car
5) Tell someone that you love him/her
6) Get a hair cut that is totally different from your usual haircut
7) Find out a local or even foreign family/person who are living below the poverty line and send some cash in an envelope and brighten someone's day
8) Switch off your handphone for a day
9) Write an old fashion letter (pen and paper!) to someone
10) Hug someone you have never hugged before
11) Dance like you have never danced before

Still got some way to go, am a shame of myself, some of the things on the list like number 7 should be a no-brainer *spanks myself...oooo*

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Bumblebee has been:
- Yelping like a bird. (He is practicing his vocal chord at this age)
- Sticking out his tongue and attempting to lick everything that comes within an inch of his licking zone. (That's my boy! Bangga)
- Falling asleep in the car while holding him on the lap. (Super cute)
- Taking pot shots at me whenever there is a chance. (He pee-ed right at my arm pits when preparing him for his bath, real good aim I must say)
- Breaking hearts wherever he goes (Particularly at shopping malls...lost count how many hot girls have come up to play with him. Boy, don't you ever forget where you got your looks from kay)

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"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy." - Gibran

Banker Wanker is requesting for alms from those who work with joy.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes" – Marcel Proust

Banker Wanker is requesting for new eyes too.