The right road for now

It was just a simple meet up for drinks and food at the usual hang out joint. I envy how oblivious and unaffected the rest were as I mechanically went through the serving of my usuals, trying to engage in some of the conversations that were going back and forth to exude some semblance of normalcy. I was far from being myself, feeling naked and defenceless against an onslaught of emotions that threatened to tear down some of the walls that I have been building and shoring up for the last 4 months. Just 20 minutes ago, on the road trying to make my way there, I was having serious doubts, thinking to myself that it wouldn’t do me any good going for the gathering if it means opening myself up to self pity and deep sadness that engulf me not too long back. Pathetically, I resorted to flipping radio stations looking for some form of epiphany. None came but Bread’s If which itself was a rare song to be heard on the airwaves. I laughed ironically as I listened to the lyrics and I was sure then that the gods did have a cruel sense of humour. Lost in the song for a moment, unconsciously forming the imaginary chords to the song on my left hand, I slipped into the final stretch of highway that led to where the road will fork into two. I can see it now and I had to decide. To the right, safety beckons. To the left, unknown depths of pain. Head on into danger, that’s the way I swing and to the left I went, silently chastening myself for being so predictable. And there I was, heard the laughter, put on my game face, hoped for the best, armour up to protect the walls. The conversations passed by in a blur, clinking of glasses, promises to do this more often, it was time for my last drink. It has been awhile since I last saw her and she looked happy. I was happy for her. Some things have changed, some things remain. I survived. The cracks were not as bad as I thought it would be, the wall was holding up requiring just a little touch up here and there. Nothing some sleep and immersion in work and other activities won’t mend. I headed back to where the road forked into two again, and this time I went to the right, safety beckons. It’s the right road for now…….