We all begin with good intent......

A 3 day weekend and all I have to show for is a screaming backache, sleep deprivation and emotional deadness. I can know comprehend how it is like having an out of body experience, albeit an experience that is 3 days long. At times, one could almost pass me off as one of the undead walking around aimlessly, with the last conscious emotion still plastered on my face (a fake banker smile, if you must to know) before my transformation to a zombie. I woke up every morning in the last 3 days feeling like I have drawn a bad card again and again and again..grudgingly forcing myself off the bed to carry on with my task for the day, to play the roles I have to play, the ones that are suppose to define me but instead confines me to a life full of what ifs, broken dreams and unfulfilled promises. Bumblebee is a bright spark and at times, the only thing fueling me is the need to prove that I can be a better dad than my own dad in a futile effort to convinced myself that I am nothing like my dad. Selfish isn't it, but its all I have left. I punish myself physically to attend to Bumblebee's needs, not because I need to feel the pain, but because on some level, its penance for the thoughts I have in my head, for the things I have done, for the love I don't feel for his mum at this stage. I have to grab hold of something and hope that the storm breaks. The aftermath would still be ugly, but it can't get uglier than this now. After 5 rounds in the fight of my lifetime, Banker Wanker:0, Life: 10....

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though we have not hit the ground, it doesn't mean we're not still falling

I discovered this charming little French inspired café located in Empire Shopping Complex, Subang Jaya called Whisk. It’s a family run café serving coffee, cakes, pies and pasta. Very home cook food, great if you are after something light. If you see macarons at the counter, try them! Real decent and freshly baked by the owners. The owners mentioned that they were inspired by the macarons that are sold at Laduree. Goodstuff!

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Its like pushing shit through a straw..…that’s how I feel at the moment with work and datelines in Bankerland. Da King says its worst if one has to push shit through the straw using the mouth. I told him I am not sure how he knows it is worst, but he ain’t touching my food from now onwards.

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I miss Moonlight. I have not seen her for some time and something tells me she is staying away for a while. Perhaps its best this way, only so much I can give without anything in return. Cliche as it sounds, it takes two to tango. Its never good for one's self esteem. I constantly feel like I am extending too much, reaching out and taking a position which leaves me open to disappointment, false promises and unfulfilled expectations. If only Moonlight knew that I would still be here irregardless of what happens, in hope that one fine day, she would finally see that.

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I love the tune to Maroon 5's Nothing Last Forever...and the lyrics...oh, the lyrics, speaks to me loud and clear:

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I'll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Though we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Sleeping in the past

I am seriously thinking about hiring some help to migrate this blog into wordpress and designing some funky layout for it. I am still having problems with some of the features here and hence my inability to post up pictures and graphics. Frustration incorporated. It will come..it will come in time.

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Achievements this week:

Work : Board presentation, done. Replies to regulator, done. Credit papers, done. Timeline for transactions on-track, done. Kiss ass, done. = Cemerlang.

Sanity Check: Pork knuckle craving, done. Good sex, done. Reading, not done. Time alone, not done. = Boleh Tahan, can do much better.

Body Check: Exercise, not done. Massage, not done. Monthly checkup, not done = Teruk, fail.

Personal Relationship: Confirm fail, no need to analyse. -_-

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Overheard in Bankerland

Banker Wanker: "I feel like walking out now and buying loads of snacks" *3 pm in the afternoon, stressed out abit*
Snoop Dawg: "I like your cravings...maybe you are pregnant"
Banker Wanker: "You are just jealous cause I am glowing"
Snoop Dawg: "You won't be glowing much when General calls you up for work over the weekend"
Banker Wanker: "Joy killer.....not sharing my snacks with you, buzz off"

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One of those oldie-taken-for-granted song that I hear all the time but never really listening to what it is about. I love the album's name, so befitting.

Sacrifice by Elton John found in the album Sleeping In The Past

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

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Have a good weekend yeah, and remember, take no prisoners and leave no one behind. Over and out.

Management Bullshit

I have been in the work force for some time now and have had my fair share of management bullshit and propaganda fed to me throughout the years. Diminishing propensity to absorb bullshit which should correlate with age and years in the workforce should mean that I should be less susceptible to the sweet whispers by management. That’s a lot of ‘shoulds’ in one sentence and the reality is, depending on the delivery and authority that the bullshit is dished out, my system is still pretty open to them. Sucker...yes, I hear you. I am sure you can comprehend or would be familiar with these management verbal diarrhoea:


*Start sentence with your name, then read on the following. Imagine steely gaze and conviction in your bosses voice while they spew out these gems* :
- "You are seen as a critical resource and as such your current compensation is reflective of that. You are already one of the highest earners among your peers"
- "We value your contribution in the past, and moving forth we will ensure that you continue to be in our top percentile employee as such the opportunities and trajectory for your growth, both personal and financial would be limitless."
- "We really wish to retain you, and with this RM300 adjustment, it will make you one of the highest paid employee here. This is the honest truth here and we can't do better than this because we need to take care of internal equity"

I am sure you can draft a dozen more of these. Recent development and discovery on my part has led me to the conclusion that, firstly, I am still a sucker. Second, despite the fact that my bosses are generally seen as decent bosses, they have dished out a fair bit of bullshit, some of which have been exposed. Hence, don't ever trust anyone or at best take it with a pinch of salt and 99% discount. My recent epiphany and discovery which involves some intimate knowledge of the "internal equity" in Bankerland meant, for once in my life, I have hard facts to back up my suspicion. Am I disappointed? Not really, it was more amusing than anything else.

Capon and the General, don't be naughty now, I am on to you and I have a spreadsheet to back it up this time.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Snoop Dawg : "I am taking a week off soon"
Banker Wanker : "We are closing all of our deals then!"
Snoop Dawg : "Ya, I feel bad la"
Banker Wanker : "Go la...you deserve it"
Snoop Dawg : "Thanks, I will try to do as much as I can before I leave"
Banker Wanker : "Fuhh, its going to feel like you are on maternity leave wehh"
Snoop Dawg : "Yeah, but its going to be a small baby la..."
Banker Wanker: -_-

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I just got a last minute 'request' by a client to be present at a board meeting early next week to present a pitch. The pitch ain't ready yet and I am working with nimcompooks from another department. I got a gazillion things to run still and this just popped up conveniently. Thanks Murphy, screw you. *throws 100 shirukens at Murphy's crotch*

It wasn't me

Bumblebee is going through a bout of separation anxiety which means sudden burst of crying in the middle of night from his cot, resulting in him being transported to the bed for the rest of the night. It’s a queen size bed, which means that I often find myself being squeezed to the corner, exacerbated by Bumblebee’s standard sleeping position of outstretched arms. And on some mornings, I wake up with his saliva coated fist firmly lodged in my face. When I am real lucky, its his feet on my face cause he is also at the turning-in-sleep-180-degrees phase. Saliva coated fist and smelly feet has never been more welcomed.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Capon: “I am stressed out and worried, I am not sure if I can cope”
Banker Wanker: “Well, we all just have to deal with it”
Capon: “I might need to hire someone real senior. Who do you think can play the role?”
Banker Wanker: *gives 3 names* *suggest alternate solution”
Capon : *picks one name* *non-committal on alternate solution*
Banker Wanker : *gives up*
Banker Wanker plans to spend more time away from work once peak season is over.


Capon: “Seriously, what’s going on with the both of you?”
Banker Wanker : “Nothing, I know there are much speculation, but they are all not true, nothing is going on”
Capon: *gives unconvinced look* “I have done my share of mistakes, I won’t judge you. So did you hump her or not?”
Banker Wanker: “Really now?” *keeps mum* “There is nothing, stop digging, it wasn't me”

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I have been trying to keep away from having solo meet-ups with Soulmate for the longest time, and I was about to run out of reasons and excuses. We finally had dinner recently and game face was on. We had a good conversation on relationships, work and life in general, skirted around enough awkwardness on my part to exude some semblance of normalcy. There were scuff marks on the armour but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sidekick would have been proud of me although I did go back thereafter and drowned myself with enough umeshu and whisky to kill a small forest creature. Kidney preservation should start early if you are planning to donate them after we expire :0 drink up boys and girls, we got plenty of time to act saintly in the afterlife.

One Side Now

The sky is just about to lose its last ray of light, darkness has swallowed the entire eastern side of the sky. Am sitting in my car as the line of endless cars inch forward, heading to their own mosaic of destinations. I looked up ahead at my own destination and I was surprised that from my vantage point, I could clearly pinpoint the floor where the party is being held and I can see it is already in full swing, ceiling to floor windows framing the bright lights and people milling around the foyer, probably oblivious to the traffic mayhem outside. Fifteen minutes later, I was parking my car. Reluctantly I left the comfort of my car and proceeded to take the swanky elevator up. Grabbed a drink, superficial hi's and proceeded to the lookout point, the exact location where I was looking at earlier in traffic. Couldn't help but to think of the song, Both Sides Now, which context is experiencing love from both sides, the good and the bad. Traffic is still bad and the party ain't that great either....still waiting for the good part this evening.

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Have been deluge with work and mindless events. Life of an investment banker is not just wining and dining, we do try to do some work occasionally :)

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Bumblebee reacts by laughing and spreading out his hands to be carried when he sees me nowadays. Its really adorable...how not to carry despite a hectic day or week. Babies have great defense and manja-me mechanisms.

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Iron Man 2 is such a tease. Watch out for Captain America's shield somewhere in the movie, Nick Fury's continued efforts to recruit superheroes, a little clue about who they are also recruiting at the same time in New Mexico and the little teaser after the credits. Awesome....just thinking about the up and coming Avenger movies such as Captain America and Thor is making me salivate. Drrooollllssss

Macam nak mati

This morning started out like the shittiest day of the year so far. Waking up from a sleepless night and unintentionally causing the Queen to be royally pissed off at me for not closing the room door after she is done showering is never a good way to start a day. It escalated further when she made a gesture of peace and my silence was construed as a silent rebellion to the throne, when the only reason for my silence was my sleep deprived stupor and the fear that I might say something else that might make it worst. So much for that stupid 70s song, silence is golden. Doors banging and still in my towel, it felt like being in the middle of Iraq, dressed in a towel only, with a patriot missile up my ass and not knowing what the heck went wrong. If someone is ever going to make a serial about my life one day, I think the events this morning would be the perfect opening scene for the pilot, the introduction scene ala Eli Stone. Except, the room will be a gazillion times bigger, backdrop – Manhattan, my outfit for the day would be a USD5k Armani suit and I would be played by some dashingly handsome dude...freeze frame with the towel around the waist (with a tone body and six pack no less), incredulous face…voice pipes in some witty introduction to the screwed-up life of Banker Wanker, theme song “I’m Too Sexy” cues in…..

Some mornings like today, macam nak mati....

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If given a choice, how would you like to die? I think pills would be painless, but such a wimpy way to go out. A heart attack during sleep perhaps? Lapse into coma and slowly whittle away? One thing is for sure, I hope I would be fully clothe when the times come, which would preclude death while having wild old people sex... :)

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Iron Man 2 was good, though I thought the first installment was better. Robert Downey is da man, he is freezingly cool. In fact, he can play me in the serial about my life. :)

Date Night was just so so, although saved by great chemistry between Tina Fey and that dude from The Office.

Clash of the Titans was lukewarm at best...graphics galore, but no soul. Enough of movies with men in leather skirts.