We all begin with good intent......

A 3 day weekend and all I have to show for is a screaming backache, sleep deprivation and emotional deadness. I can know comprehend how it is like having an out of body experience, albeit an experience that is 3 days long. At times, one could almost pass me off as one of the undead walking around aimlessly, with the last conscious emotion still plastered on my face (a fake banker smile, if you must to know) before my transformation to a zombie. I woke up every morning in the last 3 days feeling like I have drawn a bad card again and again and again..grudgingly forcing myself off the bed to carry on with my task for the day, to play the roles I have to play, the ones that are suppose to define me but instead confines me to a life full of what ifs, broken dreams and unfulfilled promises. Bumblebee is a bright spark and at times, the only thing fueling me is the need to prove that I can be a better dad than my own dad in a futile effort to convinced myself that I am nothing like my dad. Selfish isn't it, but its all I have left. I punish myself physically to attend to Bumblebee's needs, not because I need to feel the pain, but because on some level, its penance for the thoughts I have in my head, for the things I have done, for the love I don't feel for his mum at this stage. I have to grab hold of something and hope that the storm breaks. The aftermath would still be ugly, but it can't get uglier than this now. After 5 rounds in the fight of my lifetime, Banker Wanker:0, Life: 10....

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed