Management Bullshit

I have been in the work force for some time now and have had my fair share of management bullshit and propaganda fed to me throughout the years. Diminishing propensity to absorb bullshit which should correlate with age and years in the workforce should mean that I should be less susceptible to the sweet whispers by management. That’s a lot of ‘shoulds’ in one sentence and the reality is, depending on the delivery and authority that the bullshit is dished out, my system is still pretty open to them. Sucker...yes, I hear you. I am sure you can comprehend or would be familiar with these management verbal diarrhoea:


*Start sentence with your name, then read on the following. Imagine steely gaze and conviction in your bosses voice while they spew out these gems* :
- "You are seen as a critical resource and as such your current compensation is reflective of that. You are already one of the highest earners among your peers"
- "We value your contribution in the past, and moving forth we will ensure that you continue to be in our top percentile employee as such the opportunities and trajectory for your growth, both personal and financial would be limitless."
- "We really wish to retain you, and with this RM300 adjustment, it will make you one of the highest paid employee here. This is the honest truth here and we can't do better than this because we need to take care of internal equity"

I am sure you can draft a dozen more of these. Recent development and discovery on my part has led me to the conclusion that, firstly, I am still a sucker. Second, despite the fact that my bosses are generally seen as decent bosses, they have dished out a fair bit of bullshit, some of which have been exposed. Hence, don't ever trust anyone or at best take it with a pinch of salt and 99% discount. My recent epiphany and discovery which involves some intimate knowledge of the "internal equity" in Bankerland meant, for once in my life, I have hard facts to back up my suspicion. Am I disappointed? Not really, it was more amusing than anything else.

Capon and the General, don't be naughty now, I am on to you and I have a spreadsheet to back it up this time.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Snoop Dawg : "I am taking a week off soon"
Banker Wanker : "We are closing all of our deals then!"
Snoop Dawg : "Ya, I feel bad la"
Banker Wanker : "Go la...you deserve it"
Snoop Dawg : "Thanks, I will try to do as much as I can before I leave"
Banker Wanker : "Fuhh, its going to feel like you are on maternity leave wehh"
Snoop Dawg : "Yeah, but its going to be a small baby la..."
Banker Wanker: -_-

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I just got a last minute 'request' by a client to be present at a board meeting early next week to present a pitch. The pitch ain't ready yet and I am working with nimcompooks from another department. I got a gazillion things to run still and this just popped up conveniently. Thanks Murphy, screw you. *throws 100 shirukens at Murphy's crotch*