I Man, You Woman...Rah Rah

Currently listening to latest albums by Jamie Cullum, Colbie Callait, Train, Carrie Underwood, Robbie William, Boyz II Men, Bon Jovi and Leona Lewis. Trying to get some new sounds to spur my synapses and hope they fire more this new year. Been digging up some old stuff from my collection too to rekindle memories. Sniff sniff, 80s and 90s music are damn emo la.

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I truly felt lonely at the beginning of the week and was pretty lost on Monday after working hours. I didn't want to go back (don't ask me why) and I didn't have any plans for dinner or drinks and the idea of sitting alone at a bar was not appealing. It hit me then that the people that I wanted to be with most at that time was either not around or have moved on from Bankerland. I questioned if my existence was merely a reflection of these people that I have immersed myself in over the years and without them around, that I am akin to the ever changing and formless surface of the ocean at night, seen only through the reflection of the moonlight. These bouts of loneliness is intricately tied to my continued quest to try to rationalize the many roles that I play and the corresponding "faces" that I put on in both my personal and working life. I fear I am unable to say for certain which "face" is the true me and while one can argue they are all a composite of my being, I continue to struggle to identify and define what I am and it is in this failure that I am unable to be truly happy. How can one find happiness when one doesn't know himself first and foremost?

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With Bumblebee in the picture and the Queen back to work, my role as dad, husband and provider at home has intensified and is throwing me off my axis again. The sacrifices of trying to fit into Bumblebee's schedule is something I am still grappling with. Although I know I shouldn't, I have been comparing my level of involvement with the other dads I know, and I have to say I have been quite cemerlang. Maybe too cemerlang and my male DNA is simply rejecting it. All this expectations of what a modern dad should be must have been propagated by feminist (through women magazines and day time talk shows of course) sometime at the turn of the century. As a result, we have Metro Dads who are 1/3 daddy, 1/3 mummy and 1/3 Martha Stewart. I can just hear the hoards of women asking where they can find one of these Metro Dads for themselves to induct into full time baby making and post natal care. I suspect you would have better luck in non-Asian countries where feminism have been rah-rah- ing for a longer time. We Asian men still wear the pants and rule the house rah rah. Well at least some of us still think we do :)